“Helicopter parenting” is an approach to raising children. This particular approach is often carried out by adoring and (overly) attentive parents. As caring as those who take on this parenting style may be, their children are probably going to be negatively impacted by this form of parenting. You may be wondering how and why this is the case. It turns out that children who are overly monitored, and whose parents are quick to intervene when even the slightest inkling of trouble arises, tend to struggle with independently managing their lives when they are older. That happens as a result of not having had enough opportunities to struggle and persevere when there wasn’t too much on the line, or there was very little at stake.
The truth is, we’ve all been in situations watching our young children struggle to navigate their way out of a tricky situation. Our instinct is to step in and solve the problem for them. Yes, this type of action is a sign of a caring parent. And kids need to be shown they are cared for. Despite those admirable parenting aspirations, there is a downside to solving all or most of the challenging situations your son or daughter finds themselves in.
Before we dive further into this topic, please know I am not suggesting anyone should ever sit back and watch as their five-year-old daughter begins to lose her balance on a playscape, or their eight-year-old son is riding his bike fast without a helmet. To the best of our abilities, we absolutely need to protect our kids from accidental physical harm. Those are risky situations, with the potential for unsafe outcomes (if we don’t intervene). Yet young children ultimately benefit from being allowed to navigate their way out of dilemmas which don’t pose any real threat or risk.
It’s important to allow our kids to persevere through challenges early in life. Reason being, the stakes are low. By “stakes are low”, I mean there is very little or no chance of harm if they fail at what they’re attempting. If you are the parent of a teenager, you know all too well how the stakes don’t remain that low forever. The stakes rise as the child ages and progresses through grade levels. By providing our kids with opportunities to solve their own problems, while their age is still within the single digits, they will be better equipped to handle more complex challenges during adolescence, and eventually adulthood.
Kids build their self-confidence through achieving, and then acknowledging those achievements; no matter how small the feat may appear to everyone else.
Take learning how to ride a bike.
As a toddler, your child may have learned to ride a tricycle around the age of three. At first try, the gross motor coordination needed with the lower body may have felt a bit awkward, but with some practice, they probably got the hang of it without too much difficulty (there are of course exceptions due to developmental delays, medical conditions, etc.). Perhaps at age four, your son or daughter was ready to transition from a tricycle to a bike with training wheels. Having already conquered the whole tricycle riding ordeal, they were able to summon courage from the memory of that past accomplishment, and channel that courage into learning how to ride a bike with training wheels. Around age six, it’s often time to give it a go without training wheels. This can be the scariest and most difficult of the bike riding stages to master. They may fall, lose their balance, and experience an overall sense of frustration. However, once mastered, he or she will then have two levels of mastery to draw upon. They will be able to persevere despite the unprecedented level of difficulty of learning to ride without training wheels. Before you know it, they are riding up and down the sidewalk as if they’ve been doing so for years.
And to think, none of that would have been possible if the three-year-old wasn’t willing to sit on a tricycle seat!
As I cite in my BOOK , as a parent and educator, I try to consider what is best for kids in both the short-term as well as the long-term. If the average life expectancy is, say, eighty years, then our children are only considered to be non-adults for 22.5 percent of their lives. We are raising our kids knowing that they’ll live over three-quarters of their lifespan as an adult. That is a sizable percentage, and lends credence to placing a high value on the influence our child rearing will have on them as adults. This can feel like a lot of pressure for parents. But if approached with a sense of balance, we can do right by our kids with both their current and future interests in mind. This can be accomplished by gently nudging them to push just past the boundaries of their comfort zone, but not to the point of causing them excessive frustration.
A degree of frustration is okay. Kids build their tolerance for frustration by not allowing feelings of frustration to overwhelm them. The next time they have to work through a similar situation, they’ll encounter less difficulty. That is how kids develop resilience. The child who can habitually persevere through struggles is on the trajectory toward developing into a resilient adult. And as we all know, adults need to be resilient in order to meet the demands placed upon them from all angles. You may be wondering, How much is too much struggle to allow? Generally, we don’t want to push our kids beyond the point of tears. When a child cries with tears out of frustration, anger, or fear, they are past the point of being able to apply logic to the distressing situation. And they need to be able to think logically in order to figure out how to solve the presenting dilemma. Whether they are being asked to clean their room, apologize to a sibling, or get started on their homework, it’s important to remember that as your child’s emotional escalation increases, his or her ability to act logically decreases. As unpleasant feelings escalate, problem solving abilities lessen.
In Help from the Principal’s Office , I delve into detail about how persevering through childhood challenges impacts us as adults; more than some people may realize. We remain impacted not just by the degree to which we were successful in attempting to overcome challenges. We are also impacted later in life by our childhood willingness to try. In fact, I would argue that a kid’s willingness to try is just as, if not more important than their success rate. It is important to know that kids are taking a risk by attempting a task they know is going to be challenging for them. Kids are less likely to fear failure when they know their parents or other caregivers will be there to “catch them when they fall”. With supportive parents, they can’t fail, as no real harm will come to them (while the stakes are still low)
Humor me, if you will.
Can you recall a time from your childhood in which you were asked to push beyond your emotional comfort zone? If so, can you see a connection with how you are now a more resilient adult due to that childhood experience? Don’t sell yourself short here. That particular childhood memory of yours may seem minor in significance at the present moment, but it was probably a big deal for you, decades ago. Years from now, our own kids will similarly reflect upon their own childhood memories. Although your son or daughter does not yet have the perspective to appreciate just how much they are maturing, make no mistake: growth is taking place as they learn to navigate the trials and tribulations of childhood.
It’s not easy to watch our children encounter difficulty when attempting to accomplish a goal. It’s not easy for them either. But if we can slowly, incrementally build our own tolerance for allowing them a chance to problem solve on their own, our kids will benefit in the long run. It’s important to know there will likely be an element of trial and error involved. We want to strive for a healthy balance of gently nudging them past their current comfort zone while not pushing them too far. I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself if the results you’re hoping for aren’t visible right away. As I cover in Help from the Principal’s Office , we as parents are in this for the long haul. Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint.
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Scott